Invisible Threads
by lahmrh
Summary: K/S. Kirk is understandably hesitant about starting a relationship with Spock; the last time he tried, Spock left to pursue the kolinahr. But when Spock becomes ill while visiting his parents on Vulcan, Kirk decides that some things are worth the risk.


**Invisible Threads**

When the dust finally settles, the first person Kirk seeks out isn't Spock, but McCoy. He'll have to talk to Spock at some point, of course, but he needs some time to figure out what he's going to say. When Spock took his hand in sickbay and said those words, the way forward seemed so obvious, but now that he's had some time to think, doubts have crept in.

Part of him wants to just say yes – this is, after all, what he's wanted for years – but another part reminds him firmly that Spock left him once, and can easily do so again. And then there's a third part quietly considering the possibility that he's reading more into Spock's words than was intended, and setting himself up for a huge disappointment.

He hopes that talking to McCoy might help him get his thoughts into some kind of order. He heads down to sickbay and finds McCoy rummaging through a cupboard and muttering to himself. When he catches sight of Kirk he straightens up and says with annoyance, "Is it really so much to ask for some kind of organised system? It takes me twice as long to find anything in this place as it did in the old sickbay."

Kirk grins despite himself; Spock isn't the only person he's missed these past few years. "So have one of the ensigns reorganise it," he suggests, half seriously. "Give them something to do."

"I just might," McCoy says. He studies Kirk for a moment. "You talked to Spock yet?"

Kirk rubs the back of his neck; McCoy has always been able to see through him when it comes to Spock. It's one of his more annoying qualities. "Actually, I wanted to talk about that." He glances around and adds, "Ideally in private." He's fairly sure there are already rumours circulating from the scene in sickbay, but he'd prefer not to add to them if at all possible. At least, not yet.

"Sure," McCoy says with a shrug. "My office is just through there." He gestures at one of the interior doors, then sets off in the direction indicated, glancing back to make sure that Kirk is still with him.

Kirk follows his friend through the door, along a short corridor, and into an office marked CMO. He glances around as he enters; the office is a reasonable size, but pretty bare. No stacks of microtapes, no PADDs spread about the desk – there aren't even any pictures on the wall. He remembers how McCoy's office used to look – a sort of organised chaos. Looking at this, he thinks he prefers it that way – it may have been cluttered, but it had character.

With a shake of the head he tears his thoughts back to the present and sees that McCoy has already sat down in the chair behind the desk. He sits down opposite him, laces his fingers together and rests his hands on the desk in front of him. "I don't suppose you have anything to drink?" he asks. He's fairly sure he already knows the answer, but he can't help hoping – even without the whole Spock situation it's been a _long_ few days. He could really do with something alcoholic right now.

McCoy shakes his head. "Normally I would, but _somebody_ got me drafted," he says acerbically. "I didn't exactly have time to stop for supplies."

"Yeah, sorry about that," Kirk lies. "But you can't tell me you haven't enjoyed being back here."

"It has its moments," McCoy admits grudgingly. "Now, about Spock..."

"How is he?" Kirk asks.

McCoy raises an eyebrow, but lets the diversion pass for the moment. "Medically? He's recovering, but I still don't know the full extent of the damage. Physically he's fine, but mentally... I don't know, Jim. I'd be surprised if he's come through all this entirely unscathed."

Kirk's stomach twists at the thought. "He was crying earlier," he says slowly. He thought it was odd at the time, but they had bigger things to worry about. Now he wonders if it might be a symptom of something serious.

"I noticed." McCoy looks at him, and says gently, "Don't start calculating worst case scenarios just yet, Jim. He could be fine." He rolls his eyes good naturedly. "It wouldn't be the first time the pointy-eared pain-in-my-ass has walked away from something that should have killed him."

Kirk manages a wan smile. He knows that worrying won't solve anything, but he never has been able to bear the thought of Spock being hurt.

"I'm going to give him a full run down tomorrow," McCoy adds. "Just to be sure."

Kirk nods slowly. "Oh, I talked to Scotty," he says. "We'll be back at spacedock in a day or so."

McCoy fixes him with a look. "And then what?"

Kirk looks down at his hands; he knew they'd get to this point eventually. "I want to keep the ship," he says quietly. After fighting so hard to get her back – and he still feels a little guilty about what he did to Decker – he isn't going to just let her go again. But the _Enterprise_ isn't the only thing he doesn't want to let go of.

"What about Spock?" McCoy asks, and Kirk looks up sharply.

Forcing himself to relax, he shrugs. "I haven't had a chance to talk to him yet. And I haven't figured out what I'm going to say to him when I do get the chance."

"Tell him you love him," McCoy suggests, as if it's the obvious response. Kirk gives him a sharp look. "Oh, don't look at me like that. I was there, remember? Spock wasn't the only one making his feelings clear."

"It's not that simple," Kirk says. He finds himself wondering privately whether McCoy's insight is due to knowing him so well, or if he really is that transparent. "Three years ago I told him I loved him, and he left."

He's never told McCoy what really happened back then. He didn't want to think about it – about how everything suddenly went horribly wrong – and he certainly didn't want to talk about it.

There's a long moment of silence before McCoy says, "Well, now. That explains a lot."

"Is that all you can say?" Kirk snaps in irritation.

"Give me a minute!" McCoy protests. He studies Kirk, frowning. "Why didn't you tell me this back then?"

Kirk shrugs, still frustrated and irritable. "I told you he left. I didn't think it made any difference _why_."

He doesn't like thinking about that time. His most vivid memory of the time just after Spock left is of the pain. Several times a day he would think of something to tell Spock, and then realise that he would likely never tell Spock anything ever again. He still had two weeks of duty left on the _Enterprise_, and after walking the halls without his shadow for the remainder of that time, it was almost a relief to take a ground posting.

McCoy fought him all the way, telling him it was a stupid idea, that he belonged in space, that he'd come to regret the decision, but Kirk didn't listen. All he wanted by that point was to get away from the ship and the constant reminders of Spock. By the time he realised McCoy was right, his friend was lightyears away, studying Fabrini medicine on their newly colonised planet.

McCoy's voice brings him back to the present. "You think he's going to leave again."

Kirk doesn't look at him. "I don't know," he says dully. "He left before." _And I can't deal with that kind of pain again, I just can't._

"Jim," McCoy says, and Kirk looks up at him. "You need to talk to him. Get it all out in the open. Chances are he's probably feeling just as unsure about all this as you are; after all, that was a pretty blatant expression of emotion earlier."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Kirk mutters. He hasn't forgotten that it was emotion that sent Spock running the last time.

"You don't have to make any long term decisions," McCoy continues. "Just _talk _to him. You can figure out the rest once you know where you stand." He smiles. "For what it's worth, _I_ think he'll stay."

Kirk nods slowly. His friend has a point; if he wants answers, he's going to have to go to the source. "I suppose you're right," he says without enthusiasm, then presses his palms against the desk and stands. "I'd better go find him."

He gets as far as the doorway before turning back. "Thanks, Bones," he says honestly. "I owe you a drink when we get back to Earth."

"You owe me several," McCoy shoots back, before making a shooing motion with his hands. "Go find Spock."

x x x

It occurs to Kirk as he heads towards the turbolifts that he has no idea where Spock is; the other man doesn't even officially have a cabin. Kirk frowns and decides he'll have to fix that as soon as possible. The science officer's quarters will be empty; Spock can have those. Kirk feels a pang for Sonak – he originally chose the young Vulcan as science officer because he reminded him of Spock, and he can't help feeling a little guilty about it. If he'd decided on someone else – if he hadn't been so caught up in his own troubles - Sonak would still be alive.

_But then someone else would be dead_, he thinks. He knows, intellectually, that he couldn't have prevented Sonak's death, just like he couldn't prevent Decker's or Ilia's. Or Lori's. But it doesn't change the way he feels.

He enters the turbolift and orders it to the officer's deck. He'll go to his cabin and order the computer to assign Spock the science officer's quarters, and he'll be able to ask the computer for Spock's location.

As it turns out, he doesn't need to ask for Spock's location. When he enters his cabin, Spock is sitting on the couch, studying a PADD. He puts it down when he notices Kirk, before standing up and coming over to him.

"Jim," he says warmly, and Kirk marvels at the difference between this Spock and the stranger who greeted him on the bridge.

"Hey," he says, finding his lips turning into a smile almost against his will. He looks around the room pointedly, and raises his eyebrows. "How'd you get in here?"

"The door was not locked," Spock replies. His expression grows uncertain. "I wanted to talk to you, and I thought this would be the logical place to wait. However, if I have overstepped my bounds-"

Kirk raises a hand to stop him. "It's fine, Spock. You're right, we need to talk. Sit down?" He gestures to the couch that Spock vacated a few moments ago. Spock immediately goes to sit down, and again Kirk can't help but contrast it with his earlier behaviour.

He follows Spock over and sits down beside him, then spends a few seconds just studying him. He is not entirely reassured by what he sees. Spock is very pale, and there are lines of tension around his eyes. Kirk remembers McCoy's words and feels his heart speed up slightly. "Are you feeling okay?" he asks. "You don't look well."

Spock laces his fingers together in his lap and looks down at them. "I am not at my best," he admits. "My control over my telepathic abilities has been substantially reduced since the mindmeld. Contact with others is currently... taxing."

_That explains why he looks so exhausted._ Kirk reaches out instinctively before Spock's words fully sink in. "Does that mean I shouldn't touch you then?"

He starts to pull his hand back, but Spock reaches out himself and curls his fingers around Kirk's. "Your touch could never be unpleasant," Spock says, and Kirk feels something between them flare into life.

He almost convinced himself that he'd imagined this; this awareness of Spock, that he never really noticed until it was gone. He hasn't felt it since the last few weeks of the mission – before Spock shut him out and left. He closes his eyes and smiles at the familiar warmth.

But when he feels Spock's other hand come up to touch his cheek, he pulls away. He reluctantly extracts his hand from Spock's grip and rubs it absently with the other as he takes a few deep breaths. "Spock..." he begins quietly, then pauses, unsure how to put his feelings into words.

"You don't want this," Spock says. His voice is completely level and impersonal, but Kirk doesn't miss the flash of pain in his eyes.

Kirk shakes his head. "It's not that." He runs his hands through his hair and stares at Spock.

"You left me," he says, and all the pain and frustration of the past few years – and especially the past few days – comes rushing out. "You _left_ and I thought I was never going to see you again. I spent nearly three years grounded and miserable, and I thought that if you ever came back I'd be happy to go back to what we were – to be friends, or whatever you wanted." He snorts. "And then you did come back, and we might as well have been strangers." He takes a deep breath and adds quietly, "I know things are different now, but I can't just forget all that."

Spock looks stricken. "Jim..." He reaches out as if to touch Kirk's arm, but pulls back and drops his hand into his lap. "I'm sorry," he says. "I should never have left you."

_No, you shouldn't have_, Kirk thinks with a touch of resentment, but doesn't voice the thought. "You could have talked to me about it," he says.

Spock shakes his head. "No, I couldn't." He shifts to better face Kirk and their knees brush together. "I... love you," he says quietly, hesitating slightly over the word 'love'. "I believe I have loved you for a very long time. But back then I could not admit it to myself, much less you." His gaze shifts past Kirk and lands somewhere on the far wall. "My reactions to you have never been entirely logical, and near the end of the five-year mission I began to realise this. I have been told all my life that I should not allow emotion to influence my decisions, but with you I found I could not do otherwise. I was torn."

He meets Kirk's eyes tentatively. "When you told me of your feelings, I... panicked. I could barely deal with my own emotions, let alone yours. I believe I had convinced myself that my emotions toward you were purely friendly, and when I realised that was not true..."

"You couldn't deal with it," Kirk finishes.

Spock nods. "At the time, the prospect of being without emotion seemed particularly attractive. I never stopped to think how it would affect you." He reaches out again, and this time gently touches Kirk's sleeve. "I intensely regret causing you distress, and I understand that it will likely take time for you to forgive me."

Kirk shakes his head. "I do forgive you. That's not the issue." He pauses, then adds, "Well, maybe a little. But it's not the _main_ issue." As Spock's expression changes to one of uncertainty, he takes a deep breath. "I forgive you, but I'm not sure I can _trust_ you. What's to stop you leaving again?"

Spock stares at him. "I do not wish to be anywhere but at your side."

The words make something well up in Kirk's chest, but he pushes it down and says quietly, "I've heard that before."

Spock lays a hand over his. "Jim. I promise I will not leave you again. And I am prepared to wait as long as it takes for you to believe that."

Part of Kirk wants to believe him, wants nothing more than to kiss him and hold him and be with him in every way possible. But as strong as that desire is, it isn't enough to override his fear. "I think," he says slowly, "I'd be more comfortable if we concentrated on rebuilding our friendship, and see where we go from there." He turns his hand over so that they're palm to palm, and adds softly, "I need some time to think."

Spock's fingers curl gently around his. "I understand. In many ways it is more than I deserve."

Kirk smiles. "Okay then." He looks down at where Spock is still holding his hand, enjoying the way their connection is enhanced by the contact. "I've missed this," he admits. "I couldn't feel you at all these past few years. I think it's why I got so lost."

He holds up his free hand as Spock opens his mouth to speak. "Please don't start apologising again. I meant what I said; I forgive you. And I can hardly blame you for my own stupid choices." He sighs and gently extracts his hand from Spock's.

"Have you decided what you will do once we return to Earth?" Spock asks, after a few seconds of silence.

Kirk looks at him. "I'm not going to go back to a ground posting. I can't." The very idea puts him on the verge of panicking. _To go back to that after soaring through the stars again... it'll be hell._

"I suspected as much," Spock replies, bringing him back to reality. "This is where you belong."

Kirk sighs. "I'm not sure Command will see it that way."

"You will convince them," Spock says. "And I am certain that the crew will back you up."

Kirk relaxes slightly at the certainty in Spock's tone. "Well," he says, "if I'm going to be captain again, I'm going to need a first officer." He raises his eyebrows in an invitation.

Affection softens Spock's gaze. "I would be honoured."

x x x

They spend some time after that discussing the ship and crew, and then move on to other topics of conversation. As if by mutual agreement, they avoid bringing up the past; they'll have to discuss it at some point, but not tonight.

Kirk is surprised at how easy it is to fall back into their old patterns. He even finds himself teasing Spock, once or twice, like they used to, and smiling when Spock puts on a completely straight face and teases back. He realises that it's going to be a lot harder than he thought to keep himself from getting too deeply involved.

Eventually Kirk becomes aware that the strains of the last few days are getting to Spock, and calls a halt. "You need to rest," he says, standing up. "We can talk more tomorrow."

Spock stands up and looks for a moment as though he is about to argue, but then wavers and grabs on to the back of the couch with one hand.

Worried, Kirk grabs hold of his other arm to steady him. "Spock? Are you okay?"

Spock straightens up slowly and nods. "I experienced a brief period of dizziness, but it has passed now."

He does seem to have recovered, but Kirk frowns. "I've assigned you the science officer's quarters, but I think I'd better walk you there. Don't want you passing out on the way." He realises he is still holding on to Spock's arm, and lets go.

"I assure you that is not necessary," Spock says. "The cabin is just down the corridor."

"Probably not," Kirk agrees. "But you'd do the same for me."

As he anticipated, Spock has no argument for that. "Very well."

They make it to the science officer's quarters without incident, and Spock enters. Kirk hovers in the doorway for a moment. "Get some rest, okay?" he says.

"I intend to," Spock replies, eyes warm despite his obvious exhaustion. "Goodnight, Jim."

* * *

><p>Spock wakes up the next morning still tired. On the positive side, the headache that has been bothering him since he woke up in sickbay has finally gone, and he is able to get out of bed and complete his morning routine without even a hint of dizziness.<p>

Try as he might, he cannot keep his mind from returning to Kirk. Now that he has finally accepted his feelings for Kirk, he can see how badly his absence has hurt his friend. It is no wonder that Kirk is apprehensive about entering into a relationship with him.

Spock frowns as he sits down to pull on his boots. Despite Kirk's reassurance that he has forgiven him, he still wants very much to make things right between them. The problem is that he has no idea how. He has comforted Kirk before, but it is different when he is the cause of his pain. And he has been away for almost three years; they have both changed. He no longer knows Kirk the way he used to.

He gently touches the link in his mind that binds him to Kirk, feeling the warmth of his friend's presence. _How could I be so foolish as to keep myself from this?_ he wonders. _If I had said yes years ago things would be so different now._ But there is no use dwelling on what might have been, and he firmly puts the thought aside. He cannot change the past; all he can do is hope that Kirk will give him a second chance.

His time-sense tells him that it is almost time for his appointment with Doctor McCoy. Spock tilts his head in thought; it has been his experience that McCoy rarely refrains from giving his own opinion on a situation, and what little he has seen of the doctor since he returned to the _Enterprise_ indicates that he has not lost that quality. Perhaps he will have some idea about how to fix things with Kirk.

With that thought, Spock heads down to sickbay.

McCoy is waiting for him when he arrives, and ushers him into a side room. "Lie down on the bed," he says briskly. "I want to check your brainwaves."

Spock lies down and lets the doctor examine him. After a minute or two, McCoy picks up a PADD and asks, "Have you talked to Jim yet?"

"Yes," Spock replies, focusing on the ceiling. "We spent some time last night discussing our... situation."

"You mean how you're in love with him," McCoy says.

Spock closes his eyes briefly. "Yes." He has never been in the habit of discussing his private thoughts, except occasionally with Kirk, and he can't help but feel uncomfortable at McCoy's bluntness.

McCoy frowns. "You don't seem particularly happy about it. What happened?"

"He is understandably hesitant about entering into a relationship with me," Spock replies. "I thought perhaps you might be able to offer some advice."

"You're asking me for advice?" McCoy says with disbelief. "I should mark this day in my calendar."

"I can ask someone else if it is too much bother, Doctor," Spock says stiffly.

McCoy softens. "No, it's okay, Spock. I'll stop teasing you." He taps his stylus against the PADD absently. "I'm not sure what you're expecting from me, though. There isn't any quick-fix here, and frankly I'm not surprised that Jim's a little skittish. You hurt him pretty bad when you left."

The guilt that coils in Spock's stomach at McCoy's words has become familiar by now. "I am aware of that," he says softly.

"Are you?" McCoy asks. "You didn't see him back then. He might as well have been sleepwalking for the last few weeks of the mission. All he told me was that the two of you had an argument and you left." He puts the PADD down and picks up a tricorder instead. "I have to say, when he told me yesterday what really happened between you two, things started to make a lot more sense."

Emotion threatens to break through Spock's control, and he focuses on calming himself as McCoy runs the tricorder over him. "I never meant to hurt him," he says.

McCoy shrugs. "Doesn't matter." He puts the tricorder aside and looks at Spock. "Look. All I can suggest is just be patient. You'll get there eventually."

He picks up his PADD and Spock assumes the subject is closed.

After making a few more notes, McCoy glances up. "Right; you can sit up now."

Spock sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed. "What are the results, Doctor?"

McCoy studies his PADD. "Looks like you were lucky. You'll need to take it easy for a few days, but there shouldn't be any permanent damage." He gives Spock a hard look. "I want to make it clear here and now; if you ever do anything that stupid again, I won't be held responsible for my actions." He waves a hand at the cupboards of medical instruments. "These aren't just for decoration, you know. I can make you _extremely_ uncomfortable."

"Duly noted," Spock replies, pushing himself off the table to a standing position. "Although, given that my actions were instrumental in gaining an understanding of the problem, I am not sure they can be classed as 'stupid'."

"Don't give me that," McCoy retorts. "You could have died. You nearly _did_." He frowns deeply as he adds, "I don't know when, exactly, 'meld with it' became your first approach to a problem, but you can't keep doing it. If you don't care about your own life, at least think of Jim."

His last sentence brings Spock up short, and McCoy raises his eyebrows. "I thought that'd get through to you," he drawls. "How do you think he'll feel if you end up getting yourself killed?"

Spock swallows as the words sink in. "I had not considered that," he says quietly. "You are right. I should be more careful."

McCoy looks at him in surprise. "Well, wonders never cease! First you ask me for advice, then you actually admit that I'm right about something. If I didn't have the proof right here I'd think that that mindmeld really did scramble your brains."

"There is no need to be insulting, Doctor," Spock responds. "I was merely making an observation. In any case, even random chance dictates you will be right occasionally."

McCoy glares at him. "I should have known that you wouldn't willingly compliment me. Go on; get out of my sickbay."

x x x

The ship is twenty minutes into Alpha shift when Spock arrives on the bridge. He glances at the science station, where a young woman with lieutenant's stripes is taking readings, then walks over to where Kirk is sitting in the captain's chair.

Kirk turns to look at him and smiles. "Hi, Spock. What did McCoy say?"

"Many things; most of them unnecessary," Spock replies. "But he does not believe there will be any permanent damage."

"That's good," Kirk says with relief. "So you're feeling better this morning?"

"Yes," Spock replies, before adding more formally, "If it is acceptable, Admiral, I should like to return to duty."

"Of course, Mr Spock," Kirk says. "Lieutenant Mackenzie has been covering the science station, but I'm sure she wouldn't mind if you replaced her."

Spock nods. "I shall do so." He touches Kirk's shoulder very briefly, then turns to leave.

"Oh, and Spock?" Kirk says before he can take a step.

Spock turns back. "Yes?"

"I'm glad you're okay." Kirk smiles again and Spock finds it tremendously freeing not to immediately repress the resulting warmth and affection.

"As am I," he replies quietly, before making his way over to the science station.

x x x

The rest of the journey to spacedock is taken up with reports, meetings, inspections, and other types of work. As captain, Kirk is involved in almost everything that goes on on board, and so Spock only manages brief minutes alone with him. They don't have time for a proper conversation until the ship is back in spacedock and they have been properly debriefed by Starfleet.

"Do you have a place to stay?" Kirk asks, as they walk away from Starfleet headquarters.

Spock shakes his head. "I assumed I would find a hotel until I can acquire more long-term lodging."

Kirk glances at him. "You don't have to do that. You can stay with me."

Spock attempts to protest, but Kirk cuts him off. "You won't be imposing. I have a spare room; might as well get some use out of it."

After considering his options, Spock nods. "If you are sure."

"I'm sure," Kirk says. "I wouldn't have offered otherwise." He smiles suddenly. "C'mon; let me show you the place."

It's around a half-hour walk, so they take a taxi. Kirk's apartment is on the third floor of an old brick building. Kirk tells him the building dates from the early twentieth century, but inside it is state-of-the-art.

They take the elevator to the third floor and Kirk leads him down a brightly lit hallway to a door at the end. He presses his hand to a panel beside the door, and turns to Spock as it slides open. "Well, here we are," he says. "Let me show you around."

He gives Spock a quick tour, showing him the lounge, the kitchen, the bathroom, and finally the spare room that he will be sleeping in. The bed is bare and there are boxes piled in one corner.

"I've mostly been using it as a place to store things," Kirk confesses. "It's been a while since I've had anyone to stay."

Spock ponders the meaning of that statement as Kirk leaves to get sheets and blankets for the bed. From what little his friend has divulged of their years apart, his life sounds very lonely. Spock frowns. _He will not be alone any more_, he vows silently.

Kirk quickly returns with an armful of blankets and pillows. Their fingers brush as Spock takes the blankets, and for a moment they are frozen, staring at each other. Something kindles in Kirk's eyes for a moment, and Spock barely dares to breathe as he again brushes his fingers against Kirk's – very deliberately this time.

But at that moment Kirk's communicator beeps, and the desire in his eyes vanishes instantly. He shoves the blankets into Spock's arms and steps away. "I think you can take it from here," he says, avoiding Spock's eyes. "I'll be in the lounge."

With that, he is gone. Spock stares after him for a few seconds, then turns with a very un-Vulcan sigh and begins to make up the bed.

x x x

Despite Spock's best efforts, they don't get to spend much time together for the first few days. Kirk is busy with meetings about V'Ger and the _Enterprise_, especially since, as Spock predicted, Command have agreed to make his captaincy permanent.

Spock, on the other hand, is catching up with the nearly three years of developments that he has missed. If he is to return to his old job as first officer, he will need to know the technology – not to mention the rules and regulations – inside out.

The result of this is that, despite living in the same apartment, they see each other for, at most, a few hours a day. Whenever they are together Kirk is unfailingly kind and polite, but he seems determined to keep whatever happened their first night back from happening again, and the result is a definite distance between them.

It hasn't escaped Spock's notice how hard Kirk is working, but he is reluctant to bring up the situation. The look in Kirk's eyes when he talks about the _Enterprise_ is something Spock would never want to take away from him. So instead, Spock thinks of ways to help him.

He starts by cleaning and organising the apartment. The look of surprise, and then affection and gratitude on Kirk's face when he sees what Spock has done is worth every second of work. And then he overhears Kirk complaining about replicated food, and decides his next job will be to make dinner for the two of them.

The next day, he manages to catch Kirk as he is leaving the apartment, and asks him when he will be back.

"Around seven, if all goes well," Kirk says tiredly. "I'm sorry we haven't gotten to spend much time together."

"It is not your fault," Spock reassures him. "I will see you tonight." He does not mention his plans; Kirk has always been fond of surprises – at least the pleasant kind of surprises.

Kirk smiles. "Yeah. I've been thinking about digging out the chessboard, if you're interested? I can't remember the last time I played."

"I would like that," Spock replies warmly.

Kirk checks the time and sighs. "I have to go. Tonight?"

"Tonight," Spock agrees, and Kirk leaves.

Spock spends the morning finishing off the last of Starfleet's tests, and then decides to go shopping for ingredients.

When he returns, he checks his messages and discovers that he has one from his mother. He realises guiltily that he hasn't contacted his parents since he left Gol, and they have probably heard by now about his role in the V'Ger incident.

Sure enough, the message asks how he is, before moving on to why he didn't tell them he was abandoning the kolinahr ritual to return to Starfleet.

It isn't a conversation that Spock wants to have by text, so, after calculating the time difference to ShiKahr, he taps in a code, and a few minutes later is connected to his parents' house.

His mother answers and smiles when she catches sight of him. "Spock!" she says joyfully, and gives him a look of exasperated affection. "You got my message then?"

"Yes," Spock replies. "I apologise for not contacting you earlier."

She waves a hand dismissively. "Never mind. I'm just happy to see you. I assume you're on Earth?"

Spock nods. "I am staying with Admiral Kirk."

"Your former captain? That was nice of him."

"Yes, it was," Spock agrees.

"He's a friend of yours, isn't he?" she asks. "I remember how kind he was when your father was ill."

Spock doesn't like to remember that time; he came far too close to losing both his father and his closest friend. "He is a good man," he says quietly.

His mother looks at him for a long moment, then says abruptly, "It's good to see you. It's been too long."

Spock doesn't respond, but something inside him aches at her words.

"I don't suppose you'd consider coming for a visit?" she asks. "You can bring Admiral Kirk with you if you want; there's plenty of room."

Spock's first instinct is to say no, but he can't deny that he has missed his mother, and it would be good to see her again, even if it does mean dealing with his father's disapproval. "I shall consider it," he replies instead.

They talk for several minutes more, and by the time they sign off Spock is already considering how to broach the subject with Kirk.

x x x

Kirk gets home earlier than anticipated, around 1800 hours, so the two of them are able to have dinner together. To Spock's relief, Kirk seems touched by his gesture. "Thanks, Spock," he says when they are finished. "I've been living on replicated food for so long I forgot how good it is to eat real stuff."

"You enjoyed it?" Spock asks.

Kirk smiles. "Very much so. Shall we have that chess game now?"

Spock takes a deep breath. "Actually, I have something I need to discuss with you."

He finds himself cursing his words as wariness passes over Kirk's face. "What is it?" Kirk asks.

Spock forces himself not to fidget. "I contacted my mother this afternoon. She wishes me to return to Vulcan for a visit."

Kirk absorbs his words silently. "And you're going?"

"I would like to," Spock admits. "It has been a long time."

Kirk nods. "How long will you be gone?"

"A few days. Perhaps a week." He leans forward and lays a hand on Kirk's arm. "I would be honoured if you would accompany me."

Kirk's expression changes rapidly from surprise, to pleasure, to regret. "I appreciate the thought, but I'm not sure I can leave right now."

"Yes, you can," Spock replies earnestly. "It will be months before the _Enterprise_ is ready to ship out. You do not have to watch over it every minute."

Kirk sighs. "It isn't that easy. I have meetings to go to and paperwork to file, and there's so much still to be done. I can't just go running off to Vulcan."

Spock stares at him. _He is making a logical choice_, he tells himself, but disappointment coils in his stomach all the same. "I understand," he says, then adds hesitantly, "I am willing to postpone my trip, if that would help?"

Kirk smiles at him and shakes his head. "You don't have to do that. They're your parents; you should go see them." He takes hold of Spock's hand and squeezes it gently. "I'm sure I can manage without you for a few days."

Spock doesn't feel any hurt or anger through their touch; Kirk's words appear to be genuine. He quashes his disappointment and squeezes back. "I understand," he says quietly. "I will, of course, return as soon as I am able."

He takes a breath and changes the subject. "Perhaps we could have that game of chess now?"

Kirk smiles. "Absolutely."

x x x

Spock leaves for Vulcan two days later.

Kirk goes with him to the shuttle port, to see him off. They don't talk much, but Spock appreciates the company anyway. He finds himself reluctant to leave Kirk; they have been reunited less than a week, and already they are being separated.

When his shuttle begins boarding, he stands up and turns to face Kirk. "You will contact me with any news?" he asks.

Kirk smiles, a little wanly. "Of course." He shuffles his feet and adds, "I don't want to sound like a parent, but you'll call me and let me know you got there safely?"

"Of course," Spock replies, allowing his lips to curl into a small smile as he looks at his friend. Emotion wells up before he can master it, and he reaches out and lays a hand on Kirk's arm. "I will… miss you."

Kirk shakes his head. "You really have changed." He smiles and adds, "I'll miss you too. I wish I could come with you, but…"

"I know," Spock says quietly.

They stand there, staring at each other, until Spock's shuttle is called again. "You'd better go," Kirk says, and Spock nods.

Reluctantly, he turns and heads towards the shuttle, forcing himself not to look back.

x x x

The journey to Vulcan takes sixteen hours. Spock spends the time reading scientific journals, meditating, and trying not to think about Kirk. He is not particularly successful at either of the latter activities.

He begins to feel tired and unwell about halfway through the journey. His head aches, and he is unable to concentrate well enough to fully control the pain. He tries to sleep, but is plagued by strange dreams and wakes up wishing miserably that Kirk were there.

By the time they reach Vulcan, his headache has grown worse, and all he wants is to lie down in a dark room and go to sleep.

His mother is at the space-port to meet him, but her broad smile changes to a frown as she approaches. "Spock, what's wrong? Are you ill?"

"It is just a headache, Mother," he says quietly. "You should not worry so much."

"I'll worry if I want to," she retorts, but the concern in her tone is evident. "You look awful. Come on, let's get you home."

She takes his arm and propels him out of the terminal and over to an air-car near the edge of the parking lot.

Spock climbs into the passenger seat, content to let her drive. He lets his head fall back against the seat and closes his eyes, listening to his mother start the air-car and then feeling the swoop in his stomach as she pilots it into the air.

They have been flying for a few minutes when she says, "So; are you going to tell me why you decided not to go through with Kolinahr?"

Spock's eyes fly open and he winces as the light aggravates his headache. "I have told you," he says patiently. "I discovered my answers lay elsewhere."

"With your former captain," she states. She doesn't look at him, but he can see a hint of a smile on her face. Spock stares at her, speechless, for a long moment. "Oh, all right," she finally relents. "If you don't want to talk about it, I won't push you."

She glances at him, suddenly serious. "I have to say, though, I'm glad you didn't complete the ritual." She glances at him. "I've tried to be supportive, but your father and I agree it wasn't the best path for you."

Spock raises an eyebrow in surprise. "My father has always pushed me to be more Vulcan," he replies. "I assumed he approved of my decision."

His mother sighs. "Oh, Spock. He loves you just the way you are. He always has. He just isn't always very good at showing it."

He waits, but she doesn't say anything else, and after a few moments he shuts his eyes again and contemplates her words.

It isn't long before they arrive at the house, and his mother sets the air-car down in the garage. Spock climbs out and then has to steady himself against the side of the vehicle as a wave of dizziness passes over him.

"Spock?" his mother asks, and he hears her come around to his side. He opens his eyes as the dizziness begins to recede and sees her studying him with a worried look. "You're very pale," she says in concern. "I hope you're not coming down with something."

"It is unlikely, Mother," Spock replies. "It is most likely jet-lag from the journey." He stands up straight and attempts to look less ill than he feels. "I believe I will lie down for a while, if that is acceptable?"

"Of course," she says, not losing the worried look. "Your room's all ready." As Spock turns to go, she adds, "Call me if you need anything."

Spock nods. "I will do so." With that, he heads into the house and up the stairs to bed.

He falls asleep almost as soon as his head touches the pillow, but it is a restless sleep, filled with nightmares about Kirk. In some of them Kirk hates him, chooses someone else over him and scornfully tells him that he would never want someone like Spock. In others, Kirk chooses him and they are happy until disaster strikes and takes Kirk from him.

Spock wakes up from these nightmares anxious and miserable, and immediately checks the link to make sure Kirk is all right. His headache has eased slightly, but it is still there, like a tight band around his forehead. He checks the time, then mentally calculates the time difference to San Francisco, arriving at the conclusion that it is not too early to call.

Sure enough, Kirk answers almost immediately, and smiles broadly when he sees who is calling. "Spock! Got there safely then?"

"Yes, Jim," Spock replies, warmth spreading through his chest at the sight of his friend. "How are you?"

"Fine," Kirk replies. "Maybe a little tired, but otherwise I'm fine."

"You are working too hard," Spock tells him.

Kirk shrugs. "There are still people in command who aren't sure about the decision to give me the ship back. I'm trying to convince them otherwise."

"That should not be difficult," Spock tells him. "You are far and away the best person for the job."

Kirk smiles. "You're biased."

"Perhaps," Spock admits. "But I am right nonetheless."

Kirk laughs at his words. "I've missed you," he says fondly. He leans forward slightly. "So, how are your parents?"

"My mother is fine," Spock replies. "I have not seen my father yet."

"I'm sure it'll be fine," Kirk says. "He'll probably just be happy to see you."

"I am not sure 'happy' is the word," Spock says dryly.

Kirk gives a short laugh. "Yeah, I guess not." He glances off-screen and frowns. "Sorry, Spock. I have to go." He smiles warmly, and adds, "It was good to see you, though."

"And you," Spock says with fervour.

They exchange goodbyes and Spock feels a painful sense of loss as the screen goes blank. He realises that for the last few minutes he has been almost unaware of his headache and fatigue, but they come rushing back as soon as the realisation hits him.

With a heavy sigh, he gets up and begins to unpack the few possessions he brought with him. Then he realises he is still wearing his clothes from the journey, and takes them off, setting them aside to be cleaned, before heading into the bathroom for a shower.

The sonic vibrations do not help his headache, and when he emerges from the shower he takes out a robe from the closet and decides to try meditating again.

He is not particularly successful, and is still attempting to attain the deeper levels when his mother knocks on the door. He sighs, concluding that he is not going to be successful, and rises to his feet. "Come in."

She enters his room and glances round before smiling at him. "How're you feeling?"

Spock considers the question. "My headache has diminished slightly," he says.

"That's good," she says. "Do you want something to eat?"

Spock shakes his head. "I am not hungry." He hasn't eaten anything since he left Kirk's apartment, but the constant ache in his head has taken away his appetite.

He is relieved that she doesn't argue. "Okay. Do you need anything else?"

"No," he says, adding quickly, "Thank you."

"Okay," she says again. "Get some rest. I'll tell you when your father gets home."

After she is gone, Spock looks at the meditation mat for a long moment, and then turns off the light and climbs back into bed.

x x x

He is dozing some time later when he is woken by a knock on the door. He blinks and sits up as his mother enters the room.

"Dinner's ready," she says quietly. "And your father's home."

Spock nods wearily. His headache has not improved, and his stomach is decidedly unsettled. He is not in the mood for dinner, and even less for a discussion with his father, but refusal will just lead to further questions. He takes a few deep breaths, waiting for the nausea to fade before pushing back the blankets and climbing out of bed.

His mother watches with a concerned look. "This doesn't seem like jet-lag to me," she says. "Are you sure you're feeling up to this?"

Spock nods. "You worry too much, Mother." He glances down and realises he is still wearing his meditation robe. "I will change and come downstairs in a few minutes."

"Okay," she says dubiously. "If you're sure." She turns to leave, but hesitates when she reaches the doorway. "Spock," she starts, "Are you sure there isn't anything else you want to tell me?"

Spock looks at her for a long moment, suddenly hit with a vivid memory from years ago. _My mother._ He strides across the room and takes hold of her hands, feeling surprise and _love_ flow through the touch. He swallows, and reminds himself that he has already said the words once, albeit in very different circumstances. "I… I love you."

It comes out in a rush and for a moment he wonders whether she understood, but then she breaks into a beaming smile. "Oh, my love. I know that. I've always known." She squeezes his hands. "But I can't deny it feels good to hear it. I love you too."

Spock holds onto her hands for a moment longer, soaking in the love and acceptance, before letting go.

She reaches up and touches his shoulder gently, still smiling. "Go get changed. I'll be downstairs."

The door closes behind her, and Spock very nearly smiles himself. It feels good to have told her just once what she means to him.

He changes into something more formal, and heads downstairs to see his father.

He can hear his parents' voices coming from the dining room as he descends the staircase. He wonders if his mother has told his father of his earlier declaration, and if so, what his father's reaction will be, but puts it out of his mind. He does not care about his father's reaction; he does not and will not regret saying it.

Both his parents stop talking and turn to look at him as he enters the room. "Spock," his father says, and indicates the empty place to his left. "Sit down."

Spock takes his seat and notes that the plate before him is set with a simple meal of roots and vegetables. "Father," Spock says with a nod. "I hope you are well."

"I am," Sarek responds. "And you? Your mother tells me you have been feeling unwell since your arrival."

Spock glances at his mother, who looks back at him in concern. "It is nothing serious," he says. "I merely require rest." He takes a bite of his meal, trying to ignore his still unsettled stomach.

Sarek raises an eyebrow. "If you are sure," he says doubtfully, before focusing on his own meal. It is several minutes before he speaks again.

"Your mother tells me that you have rejoined Starfleet," Sarek says, as he reaches for his glass of water.

"That is correct."

Sarek takes a drink of water and sets the glass back on the table. "I admit to some curiosity as to what precipitated your decision to abandon the kolinahr," he says. "You seemed fully set on that path the last time we spoke."

Spock laces his fingers together in his lap. "I have seen what a life of pure logic would look like, and it is… sterile. Cold. I do not want that." He does not mention Kirk, or his epiphany in sickbay – those are private.

Sarek nods. "Your mother and I felt that it was not the best path for you."

Spock stares at him. "I was not aware of that," he says quietly. "I assumed you approved of my decision."

"I saw that any attempt to change your mind would be in vain," Sarek replies. "That does not mean that I agreed with your choice."

Spock bristles at his father's tone, and takes a few deep breaths to calm himself. Sarek is quiet for some time, and Spock hopes, a little illogically, that he has dropped the subject. He is half-right.

"You are aware, of course, that this decision leaves you little time to find an appropriate bondmate?" Sarek asks out of the blue, and what little food Spock has managed to consume tightens into a hard ball in his stomach.

"Yes, I am aware of that," he says quietly.

"An acquaintance of mine has an unbonded daughter a few years younger than you," Sarek continues. "I could introduce you, if you wish."

Spock shakes his head. "That will not be necessary." He has no wish to bond with anyone other than Kirk.

Both of his parents look at him with curiosity. "Have you found a bondmate already?" his mother asks.

"Perhaps," Spock replies. "I am not prepared to discuss it." His stomach lurches, and he abruptly gets to his feet. "If you will excuse me, I need to use the facilities."

He strides out of the room and maintains his dignity long enough to get out of sight before making a dash for the nearest bathroom.

A few minutes later he flushes the toilet and slumps wearily against the bathroom wall, stomach empty once more. Miserably he realises his mother is right; he is ill. He rises to his feet and is rinsing his mouth out at the sink when there is a knock on the door.

"Spock? Are you in there?" His mother's voice comes through the door. "We didn't mean to upset you."

Spock wipes his face and hands with a towel and opens the door. "I am not upset, Mother." He wavers slightly on his feet and places a hand on the doorway to steady himself. "I am, however, unwell."

She lays a hand on his arm and looks at him, frowning. "You're white as a sheet. Have you been sick?"

Spock nods tiredly and she presses a hand against his forehead, like she did when he was a child. "Well, you don't seem to have a fever," she says, voice laced with worry. "Do you still have a headache?"

He nods again.

"Hmm." She studies him for a moment more. "You look exhausted," she says, rubbing his arm soothingly. "Go to bed. Maybe you'll sleep it off."

Spock doesn't think it likely, but the prospect of rest is very appealing. "Tell Father we can continue the conversation at a later date," he says.

"Of course," she replies. "Now go get some rest."

Spock nods and obediently stumbles upstairs. He barely pauses to change into nightclothes before falling into bed and dropping into an exhausted doze.

x x x

Despite his exhaustion, Spock spends the night tossing and turning, unable to get comfortable. What little sleep he does get is fitful and filled with nightmares, and when the sun rises the next morning he feels like he has not slept at all. Giving up on the idea of sleep, he showers and dresses before heading downstairs.

He finds his mother in the kitchen making coffee. She glances up as he enters the room and smiles. "Hello, love. Are you feeling any better?"

"A little," Spock lies. If anything he feels worse.

"How's your stomach?" she asks. "Think you can manage some toast?"

Spock swallows hard against a sudden rush of nausea and shakes his head firmly. "I am not hungry."

"All right," she says. The coffee machine beeps to tell her it is finished, and she hurries over. They have a replicator, but she has always insisted that the coffee it produces doesn't taste as good as the real thing. "How about some tea?" she asks over her shoulder.

Spock considers the idea, and decides that he should drink something, if only to avoid dehydration. "Yes, thank you."

She sets a cup in front of him before sitting down opposite with her coffee. He drinks his tea slowly and listens as she describes her recent attempts to introduce Earth sunflowers to her greenhouse. His mother has always loved plants. He nods in the right places as she talks, but is otherwise content to sit and rest.

The tea helps to settle his stomach, and he feels a little better as he stands up to put his cup in the washer.

At least, he feels better until a wave of dizziness crashes over him. He grabs blindly at the table, and feels his mother guiding him back into his seat. Spock puts his head down and breathes deeply, waiting for the dizziness to pass.

"Maybe I should call a doctor," his mother says in concern. "This could be something serious."

Spock wants to argue, but his stomach lurches suddenly and he has to fight the urge to vomit. When he can speak again, all he can do is mumble, "Perhaps that would be best."

He has never been fond of doctors, but right now he would willingly endure even Doctor McCoy's barbed comments about his heritage if it would stop him feeling so utterly wretched.

His mother strokes his hair gently, worry flowing through her touch. "I'll make the call."

x x x

Spock spends the next several hours in bed, though he still isn't able to sleep or even meditate. He is studying the wall, too tired to move, when his mother walks in with a Vulcan woman about his age. Spock assumes this must be the doctor, and wearily pushes himself to a sitting position.

"I'll be downstairs if you need me," his mother says.

The doctor comes over to him as the door shuts. "Greetings, Spock," she says impassively. "My name is T'Pei. Your mother tells me you are experiencing nausea and dizzy spells?"

Spock nods. "I also have a severe headache, and am unable to sleep or to attain the higher levels of meditation."

"I see." She pulls out a medical tricorder. "I will examine you now."

T'Pei puts him through a battery of tests, all of which come up clean. At the end, she frowns very slightly and says, "There does not appear to be any physical cause for your illness." She tilts her head in thought. "Perhaps there is another cause."

Before Spock can ask what she means, she asks, "Are you bonded?"

"I share a mindlink with another, but we are not bonded," Spock replies.

She nods. "And where is your intended now?"

"On Earth," Spock replies, then adds with a hint of defiance, "He is human."

If T'Pei is surprised by his words, she doesn't show it. She merely nods and asks in the same dispassionate tone, "May I share your thoughts?"

Spock nods cautiously and closes his eyes. He feels T'Pei place her fingers carefully on his face, and then the slow merging of their minds.

All Vulcan doctors are skilled in the mind arts and T'Pei moves through his mind almost as though she were not there. However her skill does not prevent Spock from feeling a rush of anxiety as she examines the link that binds him to Kirk.

_Unusually protective. Interesting._ She probes lightly around the shining golden thread. _This was not created by a healer. _

_No,_ Spock replies, unsure whether the words are meant as a criticism or just an observation. _It formed spontaneously. _

_A spontaneous link with a human. Fascinating._ Spock can almost feel the raised eyebrow that would normally accompany T'Pei's words. _I believe I have determined the source of your distress._

Spock feels her retreat from the link and cannot keep himself from feeling relief.

T'Pei carefully separates their minds and sits back. "The link that binds you and the human together is damaged. It is unable to withstand the great strain that your separation is causing."

Spock frowns. "We have been separated many times before with no problem."

"The damage appears to be recent," T'Pei responds.

Spock frowns. "I was injured during a mindmeld approximately one week ago, but I was assured there would be no permanent damage." _Of course_, he thinks, _I was told that by a human doctor who would have no reason to consider the effect on a mindlink_.

"You are fortunate that the consequences were not worse," T'Pei tells him. "I would recommend that your intended come to Vulcan as soon as possible. The consequences of prolonged separation could be dire for both of you."

Spock blinks as something occurs to him. "Do you mean he is experiencing these symptoms?" Kirk seemed fine when they last spoke, but his own symptoms were less severe back then. Spock frowns, disturbed; he does not want to be in pain, but he wants even less for Kirk to be in pain.

T'Pei spreads her hands in the Vulcan equivalent of a shrug. "I cannot say. I do not generally deal with humans. But I believe it is likely." She leans forward slightly as she adds, "The symptoms will become worse the longer the two of you spend apart."

Spock nods. "I will contact him immediately."

* * *

><p>Sixteen light-years away, Kirk tosses aside the PADD he has been studying for the past twenty minutes and sighs, before folding his arms on the table in front of him and resting his head on them in exhaustion. He's barely slept at all since Spock left, and the strain is beginning to get to him.<p>

After a few minutes he summons the energy to raise his head off his arms and rub his aching temples. With a grimace, he realises he isn't going to get any more work done in this state, and slowly stands up before standing and making his way into his bedroom. Maybe he'll get lucky and it won't turn out like every other time he's attempted to sleep over the last couple of days.

As it happens, he doesn't get the chance to find out. He is just about to get undressed when he hears the doorbell.

He sighs heavily, then hurries across the apartment and opens the door. "Bones!" he exclaims in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

"Starfleet wanted me in San Francisco to answer some questions, and I thought I'd stop by and see you before I head back to Georgia," McCoy replies. "I tried to call, but I couldn't get through."

Kirk rubs the back of his neck. "That might be because I turned off my communicator." At McCoy's look, he adds defensively, "It was the only way I could get any work done."

"Am I interrupting you?" McCoy asks, as though the idea has only just occurred to him.

Kirk shakes his head. "No, I'm sorry. I'm just a bit on edge at the moment. Come in."

He leads McCoy into the lounge. McCoy looks around curiously as he sits down on the couch, and Kirk realises belatedly that he's never been here before. "Do you want a drink?" he asks.

"Brandy, if you've got it," McCoy replies.

Kirk nods. "I'll be back in a minute," he says, and heads into the kitchen.

"Where's Spock?" McCoy asks when Kirk returns to the lounge with two glasses of brandy. "I thought he was staying with you."

"He's visiting his parents on Vulcan," Kirk replies. "He actually asked me to go with him, but I have too much work to do." He hands McCoy one of the glasses before sitting down in the armchair opposite and taking a sip from his glass.

"Are you sure you're not working too hard?" McCoy asks, before taking a sip of his own glass.

"No," Kirk replies. "Why?" He leans forward to put his glass on the coffee table, and grimaces as his headache increases. He sits back and rubs at his temples again.

"You alright?"

McCoy leans towards him and Kirk waves a hand dismissively. "Yeah; just a headache. I didn't sleep well last night."

McCoy opens his mouth, but closes it again at Kirk's look of annoyance. "How long will Spock be gone for?" he asks instead.

Kirk shrugs and picks up his glass again. "A few days."

McCoy nods and takes a sip of his drink. "Have you two talked any more about your situation?"

Kirk shakes his head. "We haven't had a lot of time together." He gives a half-smile. "He's definitely trying; sometimes it's almost like we used to be. But there's always this voice inside asking, _What if?_" He curls his hands around the glass tightly. "I _want_ to trust him again, but I just… can't." His chest aches in sympathy with his head and he takes a few deep breaths.

"You know," McCoy says slowly. "I'm not sure this is totally about Spock."

Kirk stares at him. "What are you getting at, Bones?"

McCoy shrugs. "You don't exactly have the best romantic history." Kirk glares at him, but he continues on regardless. "People you love tend to die, or leave, or try to kill you…. Eventually it becomes easier not to let people get close to you."

Kirk frowns. "I thought you'd be happy that I wasn't just rushing into this blindly." _God knows I've suffered enough lectures about that over the years._

"I would be, if you weren't working yourself to exhaustion in an attempt to avoid the situation."

"I have a lot to do," Kirk responds immediately. "It's not about that."

"Really," McCoy says sceptically. "_None_ of the work you've been doing could be passed over to someone else?" He leans forward and continues speaking before Kirk can respond. "The way I see it, you got used to working God-knows-how-many hours a day over the past few years, because you didn't have anyone to go home to. And you're keeping to that schedule now because Spock's too soft-hearted to stop you, and you're too scared to let him."

"_Spock_ understands how important this is," Kirk replies with annoyance.

"Does he?" McCoy asks, raising his eyebrows. "Or is he just going along with it to make you happy?"

The thought gives Kirk pause, which just makes him more annoyed. "You know," he says tightly, "I don't recall asking for your advice."

McCoy looks taken aback at his tone. "I'm just trying to help."

"Well, don't," Kirk snaps. "It's none of your business." His headache is getting worse, and he rubs the bridge of his nose, trying to ease it. "Look," he continues more calmly. "I'm not really in the mood for company right now. Maybe it'd be better if you left."

"Fine," McCoy replies stiffly. "I will."

He pauses on the way out and says quietly, "You can rationalise it all you want, Jim, but the bottom line is that Spock loves you, and you love him, and you're in danger of letting that slip away because you're scared."

With that he turns and leaves.

Kirk glares resentfully at the closed door as he drains his glass. _How dare he? Acting like I'm avoiding Spock; that's a ridiculous idea. Spock understands how important this is to me. _

But as his anger ebbs, doubt begins to set in. He remembers turning down Spock's invitation to Vulcan; the flicker of emotion in Spock's eyes at his refusal. _It wasn't that I didn't want to go_, he thinks,_ but I couldn't_.

_Really?_ asks a little voice in his head that sounds annoyingly like McCoy.

Kirk runs his mind back over the past week or so and sighs. He has a lot of thinking to do.

x x x

Kirk awakens from a nightmare with his heart pounding, and it takes him a few seconds to remember where he is. When he has calmed down a little, he realises he must have fallen asleep on the couch. He sits up, rubbing his eyes, and tries to remember the details of the nightmare, but all he can remember is the sense of loss and despair.

He sighs as his gaze falls on the two glasses from earlier, and makes a mental note to apologise to McCoy. _I was a little hard on him,_ he thinks guiltily_. And, if I'm honest, he wasn't totally wrong._

He picks up the glasses and heads into the kitchen. His headache is as strong as ever, and his next job after depositing the glasses in the sink is to down a couple of painkillers. Then he wanders back into the lounge and remembers that his communicator is still off. He switches it on and checks his messages. The most recent one is from Spock.

Frowning, he opens it. The message is very short.

_Jim, I need to speak with you urgently. Please call me as soon as you get this message. Spock._

The message is about twenty minutes old. Intrigued, Kirk immediately opens a channel, and within minutes, Spock's face appears on the screen. He does not look well; his skin is worryingly pale and there are dark shadows under his eyes. "What happened to you?" Kirk asks in concern.

"The same thing that may be happening to you," Spock replies. "Are you experiencing headaches, nausea, disturbed sleep, or anything of that nature?"

Kirk blinks in surprise. "Yes..." he replies cautiously. "Why?"

Spock doesn't answer his question, instead asking, "Did these symptoms begin when I left?"

Kirk thinks back and frowns. "You know, I think you're right. What's going on?"

Spock shifts uncomfortably. "It seems that our connection has been adversely affected by my mindmeld with V'Ger. It cannot bear the strain of our separation."

"So you're coming back?" Kirk asks. He takes in the exhaustion on Spock's face and the misery in his eyes, and frowns. "Or do I have to come there?"

"That would be easier," Spock says quietly. "But I understand if you cannot leave your work."

Kirk's heart aches at his words. _Oh, Spock. _"You're more important to me than work," he says firmly. "I'll be there as soon as I can." _I should have come with you in the first place, _he thinks, but doesn't say it.

The look Spock gives him is filled with gratitude and affection. "Thank you."

_Maybe Bones is right_, Kirk thinks as they exchange goodbyes. _Maybe I _should _give this a chance_.

He cuts the connection and begins looking up flights to Vulcan. The earliest is tomorrow morning. He books a seat and sends Spock a message giving his time of arrival, then turns off the computer and wanders into his bedroom to pack.

When he is finished, he dumps his bag by the door before contacting Nogura and telling him that he'll be off-planet for a few days, but that he can be contacted by communicator if necessary. His superior isn't happy about it, but when Kirk points out that this is the first time he's taken time off in over a year, Nogura can't really say no.

That done, Kirk decides his next task is to apologise to McCoy. He taps in the code on the computer and waits patiently for the response.

McCoy doesn't look happy to see him. "What do you want?" he asks impatiently. "I'm busy."

Kirk has his doubts about that, but doesn't argue. "I wanted to apologise for earlier." He shrugs. "I still don't appreciate you interfering in my decisions, but I know you were trying to help, and I'm sorry for snapping at you."

McCoy's expression changes from annoyed to conciliatory at his words. "In that case, I'm sorry for pushing you," he replies. "You were right; it's none of my business."

Kirk smiles briefly. "And I thought you might be interested to know that I'm going to Vulcan."

He outlines his conversation with Spock, and McCoy gives him a look. "Didn't I warn you about the dangers of letting people rifle through your brain like that?"

"If the link hadn't saved my life several times, I'd agree with you," Kirk replies.

"Wait a minute," McCoy says suddenly, brow furrowing. "Didn't you say Spock was staying with his parents?"

Kirk nods.

McCoy grins. "Well, this should be interesting." Kirk glares at him and he sobers. "Oh, relax. I'm sure it'll be fine."

"That's easy for you to say," Kirk mutters darkly. He sighs, and changes the subject. "How's Joanna?"

They talk for a while longer, and then McCoy has to sign off. "I hope it works out for you," he says as they exchange goodbyes, and Kirk nods.

He tries to sleep, but after waking from nightmares three times in a row, he gives up and spends the night sorting out what out of his to-do pile can be passed off to other people. To his surprise, quite a bit of what he has thought of as 'his' work can easily be delegated. He divides the tasks up evenly, then sends messages to his staff informing them of their assigned duties, and ending with the news that he is taking some time off and would prefer not to be contacted, but that they can reach him on his communicator if anything urgent comes up.

By the time the sun rises in the morning, he is at least a week ahead on his paperwork, and feeling quite accomplished. He turns off the computer and rubs his eyes, then stands and stretches his aching muscles before heading for the shower.

The hot water feels wonderful on his skin, helping to ease his aches and pains. He switches to cold right at the very end to wake himself up and steps out of the shower feeling invigorated.

He dresses quickly, and ten minutes later is putting the final items into his travelling bag. He doesn't have to be at the spaceport for another hour, but he'd rather get there early than risk arriving too late. His head throbs at him as if to remind him of the consequences should he miss his flight.

He makes a final circuit of the apartment and then, when he is satisfied that he has everything he needs and everything else is in order, leaves and locks the door firmly behind him.

x x x

The journey to Vulcan is not pleasant. The noise around him aggravates his headache – and painkillers don't seem to help – and the smell of food makes his stomach turn. He wants to go to sleep, but doesn't want to risk having a nightmare in front of strangers, especially when several of them are Vulcans.

By the time they land he is utterly exhausted and has to drag himself out of his seat and into the terminal. He is trying to figure out where he would be able to get a taxi when he recognises one of the faces at the arrival gate.

Sarek stands impassively as Kirk approaches. "Admiral Kirk," he says. "Spock told me you would be coming."

"Ambassador," Kirk replies with a nod, then hurries to catch up as, without a word, Sarek turns and heads towards the exit.

"How's Spock?" he asks as they walk.

Sarek glances at him. "He is very ill. We must return home as soon as possible."

The heat that hits Kirk as they step out of the terminal makes him gasp. He'd almost forgotten what it's like on Vulcan. He follows Sarek through the parking lot and climbs into a thankfully air-conditioned air-car.

Sarek doesn't talk much during the journey back to his house, and Kirk is on the brink of dozing off when he asks abruptly, "What is your relationship with my son?"

Kirk jolts awake immediately, shoving aside a mental image of McCoy grinning at him. He clears his throat and says, "With respect, sir, that's between him and me."

There is silence for long enough that he hopes Sarek has decided to drop the subject, before the Vulcan asks, "Do you intend to bond with him?"

Kirk takes a deep breath and manages not to rub his forehead in exasperation. "We haven't discussed it," he says, unsure how to deal with this conversation. The last time he was grilled by the parents of a romantic partner, he was seventeen and they were actually dating. _This _is a whole different ball game.

"Perhaps you should," Sarek replies, and goes back to focusing on the controls while Kirk tries to figure out whether that's meant to be a threat or an encouragement.

They reach the house before he's worked up the courage to ask. Amanda appears as they land in the garage. Kirk climbs out of the car and she makes a beeline for him. "Admiral Kirk," she says warmly. "I'm glad you're here."

Kirk nods, barely listening. Now that he's this close he can feel the pull of their connection. He pushes past Amanda and hurries into the house. His feet carry him up the stairs and into the second room on the right.

Spock is curled on the bed, clearly in pain. Kirk's chest aches at the sight, and he walks over and crouches down next to him. At this distance Spock looks even worse; the only colour in his face is in the shadows under his eyes. He is breathing shallowly, and seems to be either asleep or unconscious.

Kirk reaches out and gently touches his cheek, but Spock doesn't stir. Frustration bubbles within Kirk. _Tell me what to do; I don't know what to do!_ he thinks desperately.

"He will need physical contact."

Kirk turns to see Sarek standing in the doorway, holding his bag. "He should begin to improve now that the two of you are no longer separated," Sarek continues, "but physical contact will speed the process." He glances at Spock and Kirk swears he sees emotion cross his face for a brief second. It is gone almost instantly, however, and Sarek adds dispassionately, "I will give you some privacy." He places the bag down and leaves.

As the door closes, Kirk considers the information he has just been given. _Okay, physical contact. _He stands up, walks round to the other side of the bed and sits down to pull off his boots before lying down next to Spock. He reaches over and pulls the other man into his arms. "I'm sorry," he murmurs into Spock's hair. "I'm here now."

He can feel the stress and pain begin to drain out of him, and closes his eyes, trying to project warmth, and strength, and love. But the bed is soft, and the room is warm, and he is very tired, and before he knows it he has fallen asleep.

x x x

Kirk wakes up some time later to Spock shifting restlessly and muttering in his sleep. Kirk tightens his hold and tries to project calm to counteract the anxiety he is picking up through their connection. It doesn't seem to help, though, as Spock awakens with a gasp.

Kirk can feel Spock trembling as he shifts in his arms. Spock looks up at his face and starts to calm as recognition dawns. He reaches up to touch Kirk's cheek and says quietly, "Jim."

"Hey," Kirk replies. "Nightmare?"

Spock shudders. "Yes."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No." Spock pulls away slightly, until they are lying face to face, barely touching. "How are you feeling?" he asks.

Kirk frowns. "Shouldn't I be the one asking that? You were almost catatonic when I got here." His stomach twists at the memory.

Spock is still staring at him, so he adds, "I'm fine, Spock." He reaches out and touches Spock's arm. "What about you? And don't lie," he adds quickly.

Spock closes his eyes briefly. "I am… better."

Kirk rubs the arm under his hand gently. "Do you need anything?"

"No," Spock says, with a shake of his head. "Just… you."

"You have me." He brings Spock's hand to his face. "Do you need…?"

Spock spreads his fingers across Kirk's cheek, but then moves his hand away. "I would rather not," he says quietly. "My control is not at its best, and I cannot risk hurting you." Something that Kirk can't identify flashes in his eyes before he glances away. "The link will heal on its own providing we stay relatively close to one another."

"For how long?" Kirk asks.

"I am unsure," Spock admits. "A few days at least. I'm… sorry for the inconvenience."

"I thought I told you to stop apologising," Kirk tells him. "I'm just glad you're okay." Very gently he reaches out and runs his fingers across Spock's cheek. "I love you," he says softly. "I'm not sure I ever stopped."

"Jim…" Spock starts, but Kirk cuts him off.

"No, let me finish." He sits up and brings his knees up to his chest before wrapping his arms around them. "I've lost a lot of people in my life; gotten pretty used to dealing with it. But I remember how it felt when I lost _you_ and I was… scared. I thought if I kept you at arm's length it wouldn't hurt as much, but it just ended up hurting differently." He takes a deep breath and adds, "I don't want to be afraid anymore."

Spock touches his shoulder. "Jim."

Kirk turns to look at him.

"I cannot promise that we will never be parted," Spock says quietly. "But you have my word that if it is in my power to stay, I will not leave you."

"I believe you," Kirk says, realising to his surprise that it's true. Deep inside, a part of him that has been broken for far too long starts to heal.

Very gently, he leans forward and brushes his lips against Spock's. When he pulls away, Spock moves with him and kisses him back. The kiss rapidly becomes heated, and he reaches up to grip Spock's shoulders. Spock's hands skim down his sides and under his shirt and Kirk slides his own hands around to Spock's back, pulling them closer together.

Reason comes back to him as Spock begins to tug at the hem of his shirt. He pulls back and presses his hands gently against Spock's chest as the other man tries to move closer again. "Just… wait a second," he says quietly. "Are you sure we should be doing this?"

Spock looks stricken. "I apologise. I assumed this was what you wanted." He shifts back, away from Kirk, and adds, "I didn't mean to rush you."

Kirk shakes his head. "I should've known you'd get the wrong end of the stick," he says ruefully, and reaches out to pull Spock closer. "Look," he says, running his fingers through Spock's hair, "I can't think of anything I'd rather do right now than make love with you, but I want it to be something we both enjoy. And if that means waiting until you're feeling better, then so be it."

"I am feeling better now," Spock replies immediately.

"Are you sure?" Kirk asks. "You still look exhausted."

Spock nods. "I want to be with you, in all ways." His fingers return to the hem of Kirk's shirt as if to make his point.

Kirk studies him for a long moment. "All right; if you're certain. But just… just tell me if it gets too much."

Spock nods again.

Kirk smiles and leans in to kiss him. "In that case, where were we?"

x x x

They explore each other slowly, learning what works and what doesn't. Spock's actions are slightly awkward; as Kirk suspected, he doesn't have much experience with this kind of sharing. It takes a while for him to fully relax into it, but when he does Kirk thinks it's one of the most amazing sights he's ever seen.

x x x

Spock curls against him afterwards, seemingly unwilling to let go. Kirk tightens his arms around him and smiles, wondering why he was so afraid of this.

"Hey," he says suddenly, and Spock shifts to look at him. "What exactly did you tell your parents about us?"

Spock frowns. "I told them that we share a spontaneous mindlink, due to the many times we have melded in the line of duty."

"That's it?" Kirk asks. "Nothing else?"

"No," Spock replies. "Why?"

"Because your father asked if we were planning to bond."

Spock's flustered reaction is surprisingly endearing. "I…. That…." He pauses and starts again. "A link such as ours is generally considered the first step to a bond, but it does not have to be. My father seems to have jumped to conclusions."

"His conclusions weren't entirely wrong," Kirk points out wryly. He runs his fingers across Spock's hand and adds, "So, the link will make it easier to bond?"

Spock swallows and looks suddenly uncomfortable. "Not only that." He takes a breath. "It will make it difficult for me to bond with anyone else."

Kirk feels as though he's just been doused with cold water. "Is that what you want?" he manages to ask.

"No!" Spock bursts out immediately, and then adds more calmly, "I merely wished you to have all the facts. I do not wish to bond with anyone but you."

"Well, good," Kirk replies, mollified. "Because you're stuck with me."

It takes Spock a few seconds to sort through that. "You would be willing to bond with me?" he asks hesitantly.

"More than willing," Kirk replies. Warmth surges in his chest at the way Spock's face lights up, and he can't help but lean down and kiss him. "So what happens now?" he asks, when they break apart a few moments later.

Spock reaches up and carefully traces his forehead, temple, and cheek, across the meldpoints. "My next… _time_ will occur in approximately fifteen months. If we are still linked at that time I will be drawn to you and the link will become a bond."

"It would be permanent, wouldn't it?" Kirk asks.

Spock nods. "Some bonds can be broken, but based on the strength of our link I suspect ours would not be one of them." He shifts to look at Kirk. "Does that scare you?"

Kirk considers the question. "No," he says firmly. "Losing you scares me. This doesn't."

Spock frowns. "There are things we still need to discuss."

"Like pon farr?" Kirk asks, and watches colour spread across Spock's cheeks.

"Indeed," Spock replies quietly. "I may hurt you." The _like I did last time_ is left unvoiced.

"I don't think you will," Kirk replies. "And even if you do, it'll hurt a lot less than having to stand by while you go through it with someone else."

"What about Starfleet?" Spock asks. "Not everyone will be supportive of our union."

"One of the few benefits of the past few years," Kirk tells him with a wry smile, "Is that I now know the regulations inside out. There isn't anything in there that would prevent a relationship between us. We'll probably have to jump through a few hoops to prove it won't affect our duty to Starfleet, but there's nothing they can specifically object to." He smiles. "Besides, technically you're not my first officer just yet."

Spock smiles with his eyes. "So, we are going to bond?"

"Looks that way," Kirk replies with a smile of his own. He is going to say more, but is distracted when Spock stifles a yawn and rubs at his eyes, clearly still drained from the effects of their separation.

Looking at him, Kirk realises he is still a little tired himself. "How about we continue this after a nap?" he suggests.

"If you are tired," Spock replies. He doesn't _quite_ manage to hide the gratitude in his voice, but Kirk pretends not to hear it. It always was easier to get Spock to take care of himself by convincing him it was for someone else's benefit, rather than his own. (Kirk is fairly sure McCoy has used the same trick on him once or twice.)

Spock shifts until his head is resting on Kirk's shoulder, and within minutes is fast asleep. Kirk smiles and settles down to sleep himself, Spock's hand curled in his own.

x x x

Kirk feels much more alert the next time he wakes up, and realises in shock that the better part of a day has passed since his arrival. _Must have been more tired than I thought_. He turns to Spock and smiles as he sees that the dark shadows under his eyes are finally gone. "You look better," he says. "Have you slept at all since you left Earth?"

"Very little," Spock replies quietly. "I kept having nightmares of losing you."

Kirk presses their foreheads together gently, projecting reassurance. "Me too," he confesses. "But they're gone now."

He pulls back and smiles. "I'm hungry; how about you?" When Spock nods, he continues, "Then I think the next task on the agenda is food." He glances down and adds, "Well, all right, we might want to get dressed first."

It doesn't take long for them to shower and dress, and they head down to the kitchen in search of food.

They've slept right through breakfast, so Spock makes them a basic meal of soup and sandwiches, and soon they are sitting at the kitchen table eating. Kirk practically inhales his food, feeling like he hasn't eaten for weeks. Spock is less enthusiastic, but still seems to enjoy it.

"So, any plans for today?" Kirk asks when he has finished his meal.

Spock tilts his head in thought. "I would like to spend some time in meditation. I feel that I will have more success now that I am fully rested."

"How long will that take?"

Spock considers the question. "I am not sure. At least half-an-hour, probably more given that I have not managed a sufficiently deep meditative state in several days." He frowns slightly. "It would perhaps be better if you did not accompany me."

"Why?" Kirk asks. "I thought we were supposed to stick together."

A faint flush spreads across Spock's cheeks. "I believe your presence would prove… distracting."

Kirk grins. "I'm flattered." He shrugs and adds, "All right; I'm sure I can amuse myself for a while. I should probably check in with Command anyway." He lays a hand over Spock's on the table and adds seriously, "You will call if you need anything?"

"You have my word," Spock replies. "Thank you."

He clears away their plates and goes off to meditate. Kirk closes his eyes and follows along the link until he is satisfied that Spock's really okay. Then he goes to contact Starfleet.

x x x

After checking in with his staff and reassuring himself that he isn't missing anything, Kirk decides to explore the house. At least, that's the idea, but after looking in several rooms he comes across a library, and immediately gets distracted.

It's a beautiful room; dark wooden shelves with real, paper books on them, and two velvet-lined armchairs with a table between them for reading. Kirk is entranced; he always has loved books.

Most of the books are in Vulcan, but he finds several dozen in other languages, including Standard. He smiles as he comes across a copy of _Alice in Wonderland_, remembering their adventures on the Shore Leave planet.

Out of curiosity he looks to see if there are any books on Vulcan anatomy or bonding. He still has a few questions that he'd prefer not to bother Spock about. He will if he has to, but he'd much rather find out the answers for himself. But after searching through the shelves, he resigns himself to asking Spock after all. There aren't any books on those topics, at least in any of the languages he's familiar with. He stares with a little frustration at the books in Vulcan, wishing the language wasn't so hard to learn.

"Jim?"

Kirk jumps and whirls round to see Amanda standing just inside the doorway. "Sorry; am I allowed to be in here?" he asks, concerned that he might have overstepped his bounds.

Amanda waves a hand. "Don't be silly; of course you are!" She smiles at him. "I assume you're both feeling better?"

Kirk nods. "Spock's meditating, but as far as I can tell he's almost completely recovered."

"That's good," Amanda says with relief. "I was so worried about him." She takes a step closer and rests her hand on one of the armchairs. "And by the way, you don't have to hide anything. I know the two of you are involved."

Kirk swallows, trying to figure out what to say. "What… what makes you say that?"

She gives him an amused look. "I checked in on the two of you a few hours ago, when you were sleeping. You might want to lock the door next time."

He feels his face heat up as the implication hits him. "Oh."

"It isn't a problem," she reassures him quickly. "I'm very happy for you both. Spock has always spoken so highly of you."

"Does Sarek know?" Kirk asks tentatively. It's bad enough that Spock's mother saw them sleeping together, even in the literal sense, but Sarek would be a whole different level of embarrassment.

"Not yet," she replies, to his relief. "Although, to be honest, we've both had our suspicions since Spock told us about the mindlink." She smiles at him. "If you're worried about his reaction, don't be. He might not show it, but he's quite fond of you."

Kirk gives her a sceptical look, but mentally flashes back to Sarek asking if he and Spock had discussed bonding. _Maybe it _was_ meant to be an encouragement._ He doesn't know whether the idea is flattering or terrifying. "He wouldn't rather Spock be bonded to a Vulcan woman?"

Amanda shakes her head. "After what happened with T'Pring, we agreed we would let Spock make his own choices. It's more important that he be safe and happy." She smiles. "Besides, the kind of mental compatibility that would lead to a spontaneous mindlink is highly valued in Vulcan culture. Even if Sarek did disapprove, he wouldn't dream of interfering with that."

Kirk feels tension drain out of him at her words. "That's good to know."

"You might want to tell him soon, though," she says. "Before he figures it out on his own."

"I'll keep that in mind," Kirk replies, and turns to leave.

"Oh," Amanda says, and he turns back. "I meant to ask; were you looking for anything in particular?" She indicates the rows of books.

Kirk considers lying, but he's still curious, and she's more likely than almost anyone else to know of any relevant information. "Actually, I was wondering if you had any books on…." He trails off, searching for the right term. "Vulcan biology."

She gives him a knowing look. "You mean pon farr?"

Kirk stares at her, wide eyed, and wonders if that's some kind of code term that he wasn't aware of. "Among other things," he manages awkwardly. "Spock doesn't like to talk about it."

Amanda nods. "They're taught from childhood that it's not to be discussed. Parents don't even talk about it with their children – when Spock was old enough Sarek gave him a computer file with the information, and that was that." She sighs heavily. "I heard about what happened at the kal-i-fee. I'm sorry."

Kirk shrugs, unsure of what to say.

"I can't help thinking that if we'd talked to him honestly about it at the start, things would have been different."

"It isn't meant to be like that, is it?" Kirk asks. He has wondered on and off over the years what would have happened if T'Pring hadn't chosen the challenge.

Amanda shakes her head vehemently. "No. What happened at that time was an aberration."

She sits down in the armchair next to her and gestures for him to join her. When they are both seated she continues. "If the two of you go through it as a bonded pair, it will be completely different. He won't hurt you." She waves a hand, and adds, "No, it's more than that. He _can't _hurt you. The bond will prevent it."

Kirk nods. "How long does it last?"

"That depends," she replies. "Usually anywhere from one to three days, but it has been known to last longer." She gives a half-smile. "You're going to want to be in complete seclusion during that time. He won't hurt you, but there's a chance he'll hurt someone else if he sees them as a threat."

Kirk nods, remembering the madness in Spock's eyes. "Anything else I should know?"

She shakes her head. "Just remember there's no reason to be nervous. It can actually be quite pleasant once you get used to it." She smiles and Kirk has to force his mind away from sudden disturbing images of Sarek.

He decides he's reached his awkwardness limit for the time being and abruptly stands up. "Thanks for the information," he says. "I think I'm going to go find Spock."

"Tell him I'm glad he's feeling better," she replies.

Kirk nods and swiftly leaves.

Once he is out of the room, he hesitates. He doesn't want to disturb Spock's meditation, so instead he heads further into the house and away from any more potentially disturbing conversations.

* * *

><p>Spock comes out of the meditative trance feeling refreshed, and better than he has in days. As he changes out of his robe, he finds his mind drifting to Kirk, and still cannot fully believe that his friend is here and willing to bond with him. The mere thought of what they shared last night makes his heart speed up, and he leaves the room to go look for Kirk.<p>

He finds him in the conservatory, gazing out of the window at the mountains. Spock makes his way over to him, and Kirk looks up as he approaches. "Hey," he says with a warm smile. "Finished meditating?"

Spock nods. "I trust all is well back at Starfleet?"

"Seems that way," Kirk replies.

"Do you miss it?" Spock asks. He knows how important the _Enterprise_ is to his friend, and has to wonder if Kirk resents being dragged away from his work.

Kirk considers the question. "A little. But they can manage without me for a few days. To be honest, I probably needed the break." Shaking his head, he adds, "I didn't realise how hard I was working, trying to keep myself from wanting this." He slips his arms around Spock's waist and leans up to kiss him.

Spock rests his hands on Kirk's arms and relaxes into the kiss. He doesn't know if he'll ever get used to this.

When they break apart, he reaches up and gently runs his fingers down Kirk's face.

Kirk smiles, and then pulls back a little and clears his throat. "I talked to your mother," he says abruptly. "She knows we're together."

"Ah," Spock replies, dropping his hand. "How did she react?"

"Very well," Kirk says. "She's happy for you – for us."

Spock frowns. Kirk's tone and expression do not seem to match his words. "If she reacted well, why do you seem so uncomfortable?" he asks.

Kirk sighs. "We sort of got onto the subject of… pon farr," he admits. "I'm not comfortable thinking about your father that way."

Spock blinks, unsure of what to say. "My mother can be quite… straightforward at times," he admits quietly. "I am sorry that she embarrassed you."

Kirk shakes his head. "No, it's fine. I'm not sure it's a situation I want to repeat, but she did give me some good advice." He smiles. "The bottom line is you don't have to worry about hurting me."

"That is fortunate," Spock says. "I was… concerned. I would never wish to harm you."

"I know," Kirk replies softly.

After a moment he takes a step back and smoothes down his shirt. "We're going to have to tell your father," he says. "Before he finds out on his own."

"Yes," Spock agrees. "I confess I am not looking forward to the idea."

Kirk shrugs. "Your mother seems to think he'll be okay with it."

"She has been wrong before," Spock replies quietly. "But it matters little. I intend to bond with you whatever his reaction."

Kirk gives him a broad smile; the kind that makes Spock believe he can do anything. "And we should tell Bones, as well," he says. "To be honest, he's part of the reason I decided to give this a chance. I want him to be the first to know."

Spock reaches for his hand and curls his fingers around it gently. "Of course."

A few minutes later they're both sitting in front of the computer console in Spock's bedroom. Kirk taps in the code, and McCoy appears almost immediately. His expression brightens when he sees them.

"I see you're both feeling better then," he says. "Not that I'm surprised."

Kirk nods, smiling. "And we have some news." He glances at Spock.

McCoy looks amused. "I think I can guess, but go on."

"We have decided to bond," Spock says, and McCoy breaks into a grin.

"Got it in one!" he crows, before adding warmly, "Congratulations. It's obvious the two of you belong together."

"Thanks, Bones," Kirk replies, with a grin of his own. "And thanks for the advice before. It really helped."

"No problem," McCoy says, waving a hand. "So, do your parents know?"

"My mother is aware of the relationship," Spock replies. "We shall inform my father when he returns from work."

Kirk nods. "And I still have to tell my mother, but I'd prefer to do it in person."

"So when are the two of you coming back to Earth?" McCoy asks.

Kirk frowns and looks at Spock. "A few days?"

Spock nods. "I would prefer to stay until the link has fully healed." He glances at Kirk. "And there are things I would like to show you." Since they're both here, they might as well make it a real holiday.

Kirk looks back at the screen. "A few days," he says firmly.

"Well, have fun," McCoy says.

Kirk glances at Spock again and grins in a way that makes Spock's heart race. "I intend to."

x x x

They spend most of the afternoon talking, getting to know each other again, and playing chess. The board they are playing on belonged to his grandfather, and Kirk smiles when Spock tells him that his mother used it to teach him the game when he was young.

They are halfway through a game when Sarek gets back. They exchange glances and immediately decide to abandon the game; better to get the conversation over with now. With trepidation, Spock enters the main hallway, where Sarek and Amanda are talking. Kirk follows close behind him.

"My son," Sarek says when he catches sight of them. "I am gratified to learn of your recovery." His eyes flick to Kirk. "And Kirk, I thank you for your assistance."

"Father," Spock says, "I – we – have something to discuss with you."

Sarek raises an eyebrow. "Very well. Let us sit down."

The four of them enter the lounge and sit down; Kirk and Spock on one couch and Sarek and Amanda opposite. Spock looks at Kirk and tells himself that whatever happens he is making the right choice.

"Well, my son?" Sarek asks when they are all seated.

Spock glances at Kirk and then says hesitantly, "You do not need to find me another bondmate. Jim and I are involved, and I intend to bond with him."

His father is silent for a long moment. "I see," he says eventually, face and voice expressionless. "You are certain of this decision?"

"Yes," Spock says firmly, and takes hold of Kirk's hand.

It is a fairly blatant gesture, but Sarek merely raises an eyebrow and turns to Kirk. "And you, Kirk? You are not a telepath. Are you certain you understand the full intensity of a bond?"

"Yes," Kirk replies, squeezing Spock's hand. "We've discussed it at length."

Sarek stares at them for a moment, then, to Spock's surprise, his expression softens. "In that case, I shall draw up the paperwork."

He folds his hands in his lap and says formally, "James, I welcome you to our family."

Spock blinks, noting the change in name. It appears his father is glances at Kirk, who looks as surprised as he feels.

"Thank you, Ambassador," Kirk says.

"You may call me Sarek."

Kirk nods, still looking slightly stunned. "Sarek."

"Well," his mother says, smiling. "I feel like this deserves some kind of celebration."

She leaves the room and returns with four glasses of a sparkling liquid. "Champagne," she explains, as she hands Spock a glass. "To celebrate." Spock studies the liquid; he has heard of it, but has never actually tried any before.

Kirk takes his own glass and gives Spock a quick smile. When his mother is seated again, she raises her glass and says, "A toast; to Jim and Spock."

Spock has seen enough toasts to know what happens next, but it still seems slightly silly to him. Still, he dutifully touches his glass to the others and takes a sip.

The champagne is pleasant, but it isn't until later, when his mother touches his arm and tells him how happy she is for him, that Spock realises that this is real – he really is going to bond with the person he loves, and his parents are happy for him.

He catches Kirk's eye and lets his expression soften into a smile.

* * *

><p>Over dinner, Amanda mentions visiting San Francisco a few months ago, and Kirk expresses an interest in looking around ShiKahr. Spock seems more than willing, so the next day the two of them go out to explore. Spock decides to start by flying over the city and showing him the view from the air.<p>

ShiKahr is a huge city – around the size of New York City on Earth – and very impressive when seen from above. The explorer in Kirk delights at the similarities and differences between Vulcan architecture and that of the many other planets he has been to.

Spock supplies him with information on many of the landmarks, both cultural and personal. Kirk knows enough about Spock's childhood to know that it wasn't a happy time for him, and so doesn't comment on the slight flatness to his tone as he identifies places from his past.

"What's that big white building over there?" Kirk asks, pointing ahead of them.

"That is the headquarters of the Vulcan Science Academy," Spock replies. "The Academy has outposts in almost every major city, but their headquarters are here in ShiKahr."

"Isn't that the place you rejected to join Starfleet?" Kirk asks, remembering Amanda's explanation of the rift between Spock and his father all those years ago.

Spock nods. "In truth, I suspect they were relieved at my choice."

"Why?" Kirk asks immediately. "You're one of the smartest people I know. Why wouldn't they want you?"

Spock makes a miniscule course correction, deftly avoiding his gaze. "There has never been a non-Vulcan member of the Science Academy."

It takes a moment for that to sink in. "That's…. But that's ridiculous! You're as Vulcan as any of them!"

"There are many who would disagree with that assessment," Spock replies quietly. "Several of the senior staff were among them." One corner of his mouth quirks upwards as he adds, "However, if they had thought differently we would never have met, so in a way I should thank them."

Something inside Kirk aches at Spock's confession. He remembers asking Spock once before why he joined Starfleet, and getting the response, 'It seemed like the most profitable use of my skills.' It never occurred to him that there might be more to the story. "I'm sorry," he says.

Spock tilts his head, acknowledging the words. "It is in the past," he replies. "I am not the person I was then." They reach the outskirts of the city and Spock turns the air-car around and glances at him. "Is there anything else you wish to see?"

Kirk considers it. "Not from the air, but if you don't mind, I'd like to check out that marketplace we passed. Peter's birthday's in a couple of weeks and I still have to get him a present."

"Of course," Spock says, adjusting their course appropriately. "How is your nephew?"

Kirk smiles, leaning back in his seat. "He's great. Planning on joining Starfleet after he graduates."

Spock glances at him and Kirk laughs. "Don't look at me like that; I had nothing to do with it! I didn't even know he was considering joining up until he'd already made the decision."

"But you are pleased with his choice?" Spock asks.

"Yes, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be just as pleased if he'd chosen to be a…." Kirk grapples for options. "…Botanist or a librarian or something. He knows I'd be proud of him no matter what."

"I am certain he does," Spock replies quietly. "He is a lucky young man."

Kirk glances at him and wonders if he'll ever get the full story of Spock's childhood. _Still_, he thinks, _it isn't as though there aren't things from my own past I'd prefer to keep private_. He settles back in his seat. He knows enough about his friend to want to spend the rest of his life with him; anything else is up to Spock.

x x x

Spock lands the air-car in a parking lot near to the marketplace and the two of them climb out. Kirk winces as the hot air hits them; it's like being in a sauna. _At least it's a dry heat_, he thinks, trying, with slight desperation, to see the good in the situation.

"Okay," he says to Spock, and waves an arm. "Lead on."

He follows Spock through the parking lot and a few minutes later they are standing at the entrance to a shaded area containing what is probably the most organised market Kirk has ever seen. Everything is in order; clothes with clothes, jewellery with jewellery, food with food. Even without looking at the stallholders it is easy to tell which stalls are manned by non-Vulcans; they're the only ones that aren't perfectly clean and tidy. There is no yelling; none of the usual patter heard in marketplaces. And, from what Kirk can see, there isn't a lot of haggling either.

"Not what you were expecting?" Spock asks, leaning in close to him.

"Not exactly," Kirk admits. "But it'll do." With that he strides forward and heads for a stall selling what look like Vulcan weapons.

He is examining an unusual curved knife when Spock appears beside him. "I'm not certain your mother would appreciate you sending your nephew a _tricheq_," he says, eyebrows raised. Kirk assumes that's the name of the knife he's holding.

"Probably not," he replies, placing it carefully back on the table. "But at least I could be sure he wouldn't already have one." He moves along to the next stall before Spock can make any further comments.

Spock manages to get his own back for the knife comment, though. They are passing several stalls selling birds, cats, fish, and other assorted livestock, when Spock stops suddenly and peers into a cage. "Perhaps Peter would be interested in one of these," he says.

Kirk comes over to see what he is looking at and blanches when he recognises the current occupant of the cage. It's a tribble. "Not a chance in hell."

Spock practically radiates amusement for the next half-dozen stalls.

Kirk eventually settles on what Spock assures him is a kind of Vulcan puzzle box, and they begin to make their way back. They are nearing the exit when Spock stops dead, staring ahead of them.

Kirk follows his gaze to a Vulcan woman at a nearby stall. She is accompanied by a small child, maybe four or five years old, and looks vaguely familiar. Kirk frowns, trying to place her, and then the woman turns and recognition slams into him. T'Pring.

"Ignore her," he mutters, grabbing Spock's wrist and giving it a tug. "Come on, let's just go."

Unfortunately T'Pring looks up at that moment, and her eyes widen as she catches sight of them. Kirk fights to keep his expression blank as she walks over to them, the child – a girl – following behind her.

"Spock," she says. "Captain Kirk. I hope you are well."

_No thanks to you_, Kirk thinks bitterly. "It's Admiral Kirk," he corrects her.

"I shall make a note of it," T'Pring replies calmly. Kirk can't quite decide whether she's mocking him or not.

The girl tugs at T'Pring's robes and asks something in Vulcan. T'Pring glances down at her and replies, then turns back to Kirk and Spock and says in Standard, "This is my daughter, T'Lira."

"How old is she?" Kirk asks, curious in spite of himself. He has wondered once or twice in the years since they last met whether T'Pring's relationship with Stonn actually worked out.

"Five point two standard years," T'Pring says, and her expression flickers slightly, as if she expects them to comment on her answer.

"And how is Stonn?" Spock asks. It almost sounds like a challenge.

"Adequate," T'Pring replies. "We are quite content." She raises her eyebrows and adds, "We have found that having is, indeed, as pleasant as wanting."

Kirk frowns and glances at Spock. The words don't mean anything to him, but they seem to mean something to Spock, given the way his eyes widen.

"And you?" T'Pring asks. "Have you found another bondmate?"

Spock glances at him a little helplessly, and Kirk deliberately shifts closer. "Yes, he has," he says firmly.

She glances between them and raises her eyebrows. "Ah; of course. I should have known." Her eyes flicker to Spock and she says something in Vulcan that causes him to flush slightly. Switching back to Standard, she adds quietly, "I wish you to know that I never wished to cause you harm. I made the choice I did because it was the only option open to me."

"I understand," Spock says, and Kirk looks at him in surprise.

T'Pring glances down at her daughter, who is staring up at them with interest. "We must go now. I hope you have a fulfilling life together."

"Live long and prosper, T'Pring," Spock says, right hand forming the Vulcan salute.

T'Pring mirrors the gesture. "Live long and prosper, Spock. Kirk."

As they walk back to the parking lot, Kirk asks, "What did she say to you after I told her we were together?"

Spock glances at him, but looks away before saying quietly, "That if I had figured out my feelings earlier, I could have saved us all a great deal of trouble."

It's a thought that has crossed Kirk's own mind once or twice, but he's still annoyed at T'Pring for saying it. "Well, it worked out in the end," he says. "That's all that matters."

They are on their way back to the house when something hits him. He does a quick calculation, and frowns. "How long are Vulcan pregnancies?"

"Approximately three Vulcan seasons, or around eleven standard months," Spock replies, with no indication that he considers it a strange question. "Although my mother's was slightly shorter due to my unique biology."

"T'Pring would've been pregnant when we last met."

Spock merely nods, and Kirk looks at him curiously. "You knew?"

"I suspected," Spock replies. He shifts uncomfortably and adds, "If we had… coupled… at that time, she would likely have lost the child."

"Oh." Kirk considers that, thinking of the little girl with her. "Is that why you said you understood?"

"In part." Spock glances at him, expression unusually open. "She chose to protect the person she loved. I can understand that, even if I do not approve of her methods."

Kirk reaches out and lays a hand on top of Spock's where it rests on the control panel. "I guess I never thought of it that way before."

Spock doesn't reply, merely turns his hand under Kirk's so that they are holding hands. They stay that way for long minute, soaking in the comfort of each other's presence. Spock eventually removes his hand in order to make a course correction, and Kirk leans back in his seat.

"Did you ever think about having kids?" he asks abruptly. It isn't a question that seemed particularly relevant before now, but after meeting T'Pring's daughter he finds himself curious.

Spock pauses before answering. "Due to my unique physiology, the chances of my being able to father a child are effectively zero."

"So you've never even considered it?"

Spock shakes his head. "I have no particular aversion to children, but neither have I felt any desire for any of my own. In any case, our profession is not entirely suited to parenthood."

"Mmm," Kirk agrees, glancing out of the window.

"And you?" Spock asks. "Do you want children?"

_And there's the million credit question_, Kirk thinks. "No," he answers. It's the truth, but it feels like a lie.

Spock gives him a curious look, but thankfully doesn't push the subject further.

Kirk spends the rest of the flight back to the house fighting with his own conscience over whether to tell Spock the truth. When they arrive he heads straight for the kitchen to get a drink; as much to give himself time to think as because he's actually thirsty.

He orders a glass of ice-cold water and only realises how thirsty he actually is when he takes the first sip. By the time Spock enters the kitchen he has almost finished the whole glass.

"Are you all right?" Spock asks in concern.

"Yes, I'm fine. Just thirsty." He drains the rest of the glass and orders a refill.

"You should have told me," Spock chides him gently. "In this heat you could easily become dehydrated."

"You sound like Bones," Kirk tells him, leaning back against the counter. As he intended, Spock looks mildly put out by the comparison. "Anyway," Kirk continues, "I thought I was the one keeping an eye on you. How are you feeling?"

"Very well," Spock replies. "Better than before I came here." He wanders over to the table and picks up a note. "My mother has gone to tutor one of her students. She will be back in around an hour and a half." When he looks up, there is a glint in his eye. "We will have the house to ourselves until she returns."

The idea definitely has appeal, but Kirk knows avoiding the problem won't make it go away. "There's something I have to tell you," he blurts. He moves forward and sits down at the table, gripping his glass tightly.

Spock sits down opposite, expression somewhere between confused and worried. "Is there something wrong?" he asks.

Kirk shakes his head. "Just… I wasn't completely honest with you before."

Spock's forehead creases. "Honest about what?"

Kirk takes a deep breath. _This is hard._ "You asked me whether I wanted children," he begins slowly. "I wasn't lying when I said I don't, but what I didn't tell you is that I already have a son."

Spock looks exactly as surprised as he expected, and for a moment he wants to take the words back. He presses on anyway. "His name's David. He'll be twelve by now." It's kind of a relief to get it out in the open. He's never told anyone about David; not McCoy, not even Gary, but Spock deserves to know the truth.

"I assume there is a story behind this announcement," Spock prods after a few seconds of silence.

Kirk runs his hands over his face. "Yeah. I was twenty-seven, on shore leave from the _Farragut_. Her name was Carol Marcus." He stares at the wall, lost in memory. "We agreed at the start that it would be a temporary thing; we were both too committed to our careers for anything long-term. We exchanged details before we parted ways, but I never expected to see her again." He rubs absently at a scratch on the table, and adds, "Until she called me six weeks later to tell me she was pregnant.

"I wanted to help, but she knew how devoted I was to the ship, to my career, and she decided she'd rather David had no father than one who spent most of his life in space." Kirk sighs. "It hurt, but looking back I can see her point."

He glances at Spock. "You know my own father was in Starfleet?" He knows Spock does, remembers introducing his father to his first officer right after he first took command, but he asks anyway.

Spock nods.

"Both my parents were. My mom left the service after I was born." He snorts. "I think the fact that I was nearly born in space sealed her decision. But my dad stayed in Starfleet; became a captain. He was my inspiration, but in my first ten years his presence added up to about three of them." He bites his lip. "I loved my dad, but I can see why Carol wouldn't want that."

"So you have no contact with your son?" Spock asks.

"Carol sends me pictures sometimes, or the occasional letter about how he's doing. That's about it." He shrugs. "I can't say I've never thought about what might have been, but it's better this way. I'm not sure I'm cut out to be a father." He smiles sadly. "Sam was the one who wanted to settle down, get married, have kids. I wanted to see the stars."

He feels Spock take his hand and glances over at him.

"Why didn't you tell me this before?" Spock asks quietly.

Kirk shrugs. "It didn't seem relevant. I wasn't hiding it or anything; I just… don't like to talk about it. You're the first person I've told." Spock's fingers tighten around his and he squeezes back, taking comfort from the contact.

Now that the strain of keeping secrets is no longer weighing on him, Kirk finds his mind moving to other matters. "I believe you mentioned something about an empty house," he murmurs. "How about we take this upstairs?"

"That would be acceptable," Spock replies evenly, but his façade of indifference is ruined quite thoroughly when Kirk rounds the table and kisses him.

He grips at Kirk's waist as Kirk pushes his hands into Spock's hair and deepens the kiss. When he pulls away, they are both breathing heavily. "Come on," Kirk says, tugging at his arm. "I know we're alone right now, but I'm not about to have sex in your parents' kitchen."

Spock blanches at the idea and stands. They make their way out of the kitchen and up the stairs, although it's difficult to take their hands off each other for more than thirty seconds at a time.

They do eventually make it to Spock's room, and proceed to quickly strip off their clothes before falling onto the bed.

"Thank you for trusting me," Spock murmurs in his ear, and then there are no more words.

Afterwards, Spock's hand comes to rest briefly on Kirk's cheek. It isn't the first time that Spock's hands have drifted to his face in moments of intimacy, and he knows what it means so he leans into the touch and mumbles, "Do it."

Spock's fingers come to rest over his temple and the confusion he picks up through their connection makes him smile. "You're not as inscrutable as you think," he says in response to the unasked question. "It's obvious you want to meld with me, so just do it."

Spock doesn't respond, and Kirk's smile fades. "Spock?"

"There is a chance it will bond us," Spock says quietly.

"I thought we already talked about that," Kirk replies.

"Yes, over a year from now when I reach my time," Spock retorts. "That is hardly the same as right here and now."

Kirk raises himself on an elbow. "You think I'm going to change my mind?"

"I do not want you to do something you may later regret," Spock replies.

Kirk sighs. "You know me better than anyone. Have you ever known me to go back on a decision once I've made it?"

"No," Spock replies, "but-"

Kirk holds up a hand to stop him. "No buts. You're not even certain that it _will _bond us, but if it does, I'm all right with that."

He grabs Spock's hand and brings it to his face. "Do it."

Spock's fingers fall onto his meld points, and then they are one.

* * *

><p><span>Epilogue<span>

Their last night on Vulcan, after dinner and quite a few glasses of wine, Amanda brings out the photo album. Spock initially objects, but relents when Kirk tells him that it's a rite of passage, and his own mother has hundreds of embarrassing photos that she'd love to show off. Instead he takes the tack of sitting at the other end of the room and reading articles from one of his science journals.

Kirk, on the other hand, is absolutely fascinated. Amanda must have thousands of photos from Spock's early years, and it's amazing to watch his partner growing up, from an infant with – in his opinion – adorable tiny pointed ears, to an inquisitive toddler, to an unsmiling older child.

"He truly is a miracle," Amanda says quietly as they flick through the pictures. "The doctors weren't sure that a human-Vulcan hybrid was even possible. I had five miscarriages before they finally got it right." She looks over at Spock.

Kirk puts a hand on her arm. "I'm sorry."

"I wanted so badly to do well by him," she says softly.

"I know," he replies. "And he knows."

"You will look after him?" she asks.

Kirk glances at Spock. "I couldn't not."

Spock looks up for a moment, almost as if he's heard them, and Kirk catches his eye and smiles.


End file.
